i can’t take back i love you
that would be like lying
- she asks, “What are you guys doing tonight?”
“i’m not sure,” i say. “what’s up?”
“do you guys want to come to The Smell with us and see Moses Campbell and Kimya Dawson?”
“who the fuck is that?”
- The Smell is essentially an elongated hallway with a stage at the end. Hipster Paradise. Complete with pretentious b&w’s on the left wall and abstract on the right, and a vegan tamale stand that smells delicious. fedora’s on every head, knitted messenger bags on every shoulder.
- a girl comes up first and sings songs about her lovers. after her, a band tries to be silversun pickups. then moses campbell plays. somewhere in the middle of the three, pits break out.
- a girl with wild dark hair and skin pulls me close to her.
“I just got a tattoo on my back and it hurts to be touched, that’s why i’m not in there. otherwise I’d totally be in there,” she says.
“It’s okay. I’m not mad.”
She smiles and says, “Let’s go”
- i push in and instantly feel everyone’s anger and arms. It’s what i imagine an orgy to be. Bodies pushing in all directions, sweat, open mouths, hair, hands touching me everywhere. I push out and catch my breath.
- lily falls in love with a punk leaning on the wall. his expression static and unchanging throughout the whole night.
“should i talk to him? and if i do, what should i say?” lily asks.
“don’t say anything. just talk with your eyes.”
“how do i do that???!??!!!!”
- an elbow hits me in the face and knocks my glass off. i pick it up and find only 85% of it. I yell “Fuck” as loud and long as i can. not even the people hugging me can hear it.
- i sit in the lounge with carlos and alexis and complain to angie.
- alexis buys one of the vegan tamales for a dollar.
“hmmm, that smells amazing. how is it?” I ask.
“it’s one of the worst fucking piece of shit’s i’ve ever had.”
- i look up and see this guy
- looking at the abstracts. “Hey, is that Giovanni Ribisi?” I ask. the person turns slightly and glances at me with a corner of his eye and quickly walks away. I tell alexis, “You HAVE to go up to him and ask him his name.”
“No fucking way man! I couldn’t.”
- Alexis runs after him and taps him on the shoulder.
“excuse me, I don’t mean to bother. But what is your name?”
He looks at her like the way you look at children.
“it’s gio” and walks quickly walks away again.
- right before we leave i check out the bookself and find this
“why would anyone do this??” I exclaim.To which the entire room in perfect choir unison says, “Because he does suck!!”
mother fucking hipsters.
i’m playing guitar and words when my mum comes in and watches me.
(in tagalog) “Did you write that son?”
Yeah. Why? Do you like it?
“Yes, i think it’s a very very good sad song.”
Thanks. I came up with it last night.
“are you okay?”
Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?
“People don’t make very good sad songs when they’re happy.”
cut and paste versions to see what i want to see.
She feels her heart in her throat.
It’s making her hands shake and she doesn’t like it. When someone’s breaking your heart, there’s always this strange genteel disposition you inherit. You want to ask why and how and who but you don’t want to sound needy. Pride makes two lovers very polite strangers.
“Does it matter?”
“Course it fucking matters. Why wouldn’t it fucking matter?”
He stares off. He doesn’t know what to say, but he does. He’s thought about this. Making pro and con lists in his head. Being rational. Making sense.
“I was just sitting there. Right over there and I was thinking about everything. You and me, and what we’re doing. And I just knew.”
“That she could love me better than you.”
It takes awhile to settle in, the moment you feel yourself figuratively dying. It stings both of them.
She wants to cry but she won’t. She lets this bleed and everything drain out of her.
She wants to say, “No one will love you like I love you.”
But she won’t.
When someone’s breaking your heart, you want to say all these things but you don’t want to sound too needy. Pride makes two lovers very polite strangers.
hahaha. oh taylor.
i don’t want to talk about how happy i’ve been lately
i know how quickly this can (and will) go away
let me know
that maybe i’m not
standing in line alone
i’m thinking touch me
cause i’d like to see
i want to feel it
i’m telling you touch me
too cold, i’ve gone numb
can’t tell you without sounding
naked, childish, fragile
just touch me
my cheeks, they hurt from every smile that i spent.
and you, you’ll give back every “i love you” i sent.
Sexually frustrated blog #1 of 2011
i assure you, mine is worse.
hands down the most relevant and beautiful line of lyric ever thought of.
- -no, I can't.
- -why not? this is all there is jon. no twist ending, no profound lesson. this is all there is. this is it.
- -that's just an excuse for bad behavior.
i’m on the cusp of making something with some real genuine emotion in it.
- what about me?
- you seeing anyone?
i deliberately stall
and stretch words and goodbyes.
and think of last minute “Oh i need to tell you something real fast”
and “hold on, i can’t find my phone”
- - i'll pick you up, how much time do you need?
- - well i wanted to masturbate, so give me 3 minutes.